not sure i realized it before, but nothing seems possible til I've actually done it once. before that, it just seems like something other people do.

i think the first step i took into becoming a real artist is realizing that i can learn from my influences. to accept them as influences, instead of fearing thier intrusion on MY style. I may have have ideas and they may be new but without experience i don't know how to use them. I was so stuck on sounding like someone else or being accused of ripping off someone else or being some sort of bad carbon copy. I had to get real with myself, realize we are all products of something... that my influences are real and they are the reason i want to do this in the first place. to deny that is to deny the beauty that was in the artists that inspired me. we talk about influence, and genius, and talent when it comes to the artist... but what about content. the very meat of art, conveying human emotion or at least triggering one. well, the idea of triggering one sounds enticing but i remember somewhere in my blurry past having a desire to share what i really feel, fearlessly, and hopefully someone else who is feeling that will stumble on it and they won't feel alone. so this brings new fears, someone will know what you are thinking, what you are feeling. Getting older and more alone has this way of exposing insecurities I didn't used to have or think I had. Everything is more "important" now. I'm in the "real world" making important decisions, influencing people, time to stop playing with life and take everything very seriously. time to really commit to everything you do. make sure you only ask someone out if you really like them, don't waste their time. wait, how do i know i like them, i barely know them. now that things are more serious it's important to be twice as hurt when i am rejected. dating you for the past month was really great, i don't think i've ever seen this side of myself before, but i'm too busy at this point in my life for a boyfriend... translation: thanks for helping the time pass, but i'm looking for someone else who isn't you, someone... better, have a nice life. So i grew this fear of rejection. I actually seeked this place in my life. a place where i could no longer be blameless so i wouldn't feel like a sell out writing about pain. now i feel like i should write about being a sell out but somewhere in my quest for knowing humanity i got lost in it, became a cliche. i didn't used to care what the secret of happiness in life was, i used to know it. 8 hugs a day. i can't remember when i stopped doing that. maybe when the people i used to be close to started growing away one by one. i never made the new ones hug me, my old ones would do that. simple philosophy, infantile, needy even. well gotta learn how to hug new friends i guess. I learned how to be in a bar but that's still awkward. maybe i'm too intellectual for a bar. bars are funny because when i am outside of one i am above that, the atmosphere, the social climate, the depth of conversation. but when i go in i become an outsider, i am here posing as one of you. remembering that here it is uncool to want anything more than casual talk and a good buzz. where do you go to find people who want to know you, people who have something to say? church? seems like you should be able to. it was like that in youth. in youth it was innocent to be close to each other. it seems like once you enter young adulthood, you lose the right to get close to each other. everything has to be misconstrued as sexual and a severe boundary crossing. what about that guy yeshua the nazarene, oh yeah we are supposed to worship him by sacrificing an hour of our time singing songs towards the band and hearing some inspiring words from the guy who directs what is said on the microphone somewhere between 9am and 12noon on a sunday morning. what about singing to each other for that hour? what about the guy with the mic shuts up and sits down and waits for one of the sheep to say something to the other sheep. i'm tired of this seeker sensitive shit, it's another fucking model that is designed to produce some sort of numerical statistic that is tangible and scalable. these people actually think that they are helping God's cause by protecting the "sheep" from a real intimate relationship with God and each other. they seem to be trying to project thier own vision of kingdom on thier people if they even have a vision of kingdom. well, who am i, God might be calling these people to start a church like this and telling them to ignore people like me. and if that's the case then i'm glad they have the courage to follow God against their own will for comfort or glory. well God is calling me to something higher and i have to overcome my latest fear of intimacy or fear of being accused of seeking intimacy. and maybe i'll find what i need if i stop projecting my vision of kingdom on what God is providing. so i find myself in a place now where i can relate to popular trend (still sometimes losing my stomach). Making something popular is a talent too and an art i think, i learned that there are some real artists in the popular world and there are some real talents too. each envying the other. i side with the artist side, i have a desire to express. i envy the talents, the ones who have this second nature ability to express, expressively. now i know i have talents but i'm not sure that i have any envious witnesses. and maybe that's something i seek. i don't want to be envied by all, but i would like to find myself in a situation where i am working with someone whose talents i envy and they envy mine. i think my only envyable (is that a word?) talent is the ability to find as many ways as possible to get by with as little work as possible. it is a talent which is easily envied and quickly followed by disdain. i also have a talent for mooching off my friends when i am hungry, probably my vision of kingdom projecting out on them. who can argue with God's plan, which is to feed me and expect nothing. i will reciprocate with hugs, if i'm not to afraid what you'll think. wow this is long, i'm not sure i would read this if i were you. so here i am more established as an artist, i learned some tricks and techniques while embracing my influences and attempting to emulate them. so in that whole process i lost a sense of myself. it was fun exploring new terrain but what happened to that raw person who had ideas and few tools. now i have lots of tools and no ideas, what the hell kind of joke is this? so now i wait. wait? wait for what? to get hurt? to get an epiphone? to get laid? when will i find time for music while i'm busy living? this isn't a passion anymore, finding ways to avoid the part that takes time. taking one fleeting feeling, spending weeks trying to express it, having lost that feeling somewhere in the middle because i discovered a new one. maybe my chemical imbalance shifted, now i'm too happy to finish this song. this song which would have only been six minutes long. what was i thinking? why was i so passionate about feeling that way? I'm such a pussy, i better make this song about something catchy, and take out the parts referencing real people and real events. who wants to hear my whine story? what if the parties involved hear it? they'll think i'm so one sided. I AM ONE SIDED. so now i go back listen to ideas i started 5... 10 years ago. my god this is the work of a genius. an untainted heart, this kid's technique sucks but he is alive somehow. this music could never be popular but in its simplicity it already means something. now i am trying to learn how to write about something while i'm in it instead of past it. it's hard to be confident about writing a story that has no ending. what if the end is insignificant. who cares, the journey is significant.